Head In The Clouds

Empty Spaces

You know that incredible feeling of being with somebody; the feeling of security, the feeling of love, the feeling of having somebody there for you whenever you need them no matter where or when? I miss that.

How about that incredible feeling you have when you’re laying next to that somebody at night, or whenever you’re sleeping? Yeah I miss that feeling too.

Do you know what it feels like to roll over and not feel anything next to you except a sea of blankets? You can feel the emptiness coursing through you, like a piece of you has disappeared, and it makes you uneasy. From this point your first reaction is to grab an object of similar proportions and hold it as close to you as possible to convince your body that your somebody is still right there next to you holding you just as tight in return. Even though you know it’s not going to ever compare to the warmth of their body, you convince yourself that it is them and that it will suffice for the night just so you can get a decent night’s sleep.

It’s been over a year since I’ve stopped feeling that closeness, but I still feel that empty space next to me at night and it still takes my breath away when I realize I’m still alone. I doubt that anybody will ever be able to replace his warmth, his presence, his security. He made me feel like nothing could ever touch me even when I was at my most vulnerable state - asleep. 

Even though he may not have been the perfect “boyfriend” (I say it like that because we were never official) for me, but I enjoyed his company. Being able to lay there and laugh together through simple conversation all day was the best thing ever. It still would be the best feeling, that is if I were able to re-obtain it.

Regardless - even tonight I lay here grasping my pillow, convincing my mind that he’s laying right next to me holding me tight. I know it’s not going to work for very long, but at least it will work for a bit … 

Hypocritical

Ok, so, there was a conversation going on and at one point during the conversation the comment “what’s the difference between two guys being together” was made. An individual commented and said that two guys kissing is disgusting. A few days later said individual was talking with a friend and mentioned he has nothing against gay people… 

Today, a friend and I were listening to a song on YouTube together and he had said that “x” artist sucked. Ok, that’s fine. Well he and his friend continued their own conversation and they had said that only fags listen to Mac (or some variation of that comment), and continued to say that whatever a fag listens to sucks. 

First off, they’re unaware of the fact that I’m gay, so I know it’s not a personal attack. Regardless, if you don’t have anything against gays, don’t turn around a few weeks later and start saying “whatever they listen to means it sucks,” amongst other things. For a fact I can tell you he likes Lady Gaga - well so do I. I refrained from making the “well just like you, I like Lady Gaga, so does that mean now she sucks” comment. 

Regardless, by no means did I take it personally. I don’t view the word “fag” or “faggot” as demeaning. To me, that just means they can’t come up with anything else to say.. and I honestly use the word fag myself, just like anybody would say “that’s gay,” I say that too. It’s not demeaning to me, and it’s not offensive. I just hate when people say they aren’t judgmental and then turn around and act judgmental.

Sorry if it’s scatterbrained, I’m tired and rushed this post.